Greetings and Salutations assholes! As you may or may not have heard Brett Favre, he of the vicodin and oxycotin persuasion, the backyard football playing, wrangler jean poster boy, and aficionado of the crusty splooge beard, has left the frozen tundra of lambeau field for the bright lights of Broadway. Since you are reading this, I am going to assume that you like I, pour though the vast blogosphere and take in the plethora of information garnered by those great writers and editors. And because you do, you are aware that the Favre coverage is FREAKIN REDICULOUS! NFL training camp has begun, did you know that? If you did it is only because you stumbled across the first episode of HBO’s Hardknocks while trying to catch up on Generation Kill (‘Merica, fuck ya). To be honest, I am much more interested in what Mark Chmura is up to these days. I assume he is working as a DJ at prom’s and after parties. I would much rather follow him along for a day, watching him oogle and google at 17 year olds, only to eventually hear a voice emanating from a kitchen counter…
(Enters room) “Have a seat over there. What was your plan here today? You’re naked, there’s a 17 year old girl, you’re chasing a cat around and you’ve got Cool Whip and you want this girl to do some sex act with the cat and then you’ll have sex with her. Is that accurate? I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we are doing a story about computer predators/adults who try to meet teens online for sex. You are free to go.”
Seriously, now that would be far more entertaining than watching Rachel Nichols vampire ass felicitate and follow Brett all across America as the world waits with (breathless) anticipation. Honestly I would much rather have preferred Favre to go to the Vikings, only because in my hopeless immature imagination, I can see Deanna Favre getting down with Fred Smoot and his “tweener” ladyfriend for some Hanky Panky with a double sided love stick. However, I digress into a (favre-less) discussion about the upcoming football season….
So how do you think the Jets will do with er, uh, just kidding, fuck the jets. You know who has a hot wife? The Rog…Roger Goodell, he is married to the vivacious Jane Skinner of FoxNews, I will not hold that against her, although I would like to hold something else against her. But other than that, Roger Goodell is acting like Hitler in the 1930’s and building up his forces and influence for the eventual blitzkrieg that will eventually overtake the entire NFL, if not the world. The Rog has enacted a new “fan conduct policy”. Excuse me if I am mistaken, but isn’t it a written rule that all NFL fans must not adhere to any conduct that would be mistaken for civilized? What the fuck is he trying to do? No drunkards? Seriously, how do you expect the Billion dollar enterprise that is the NFL to flourish if your new rules put the ole’ kibosh on largest sponsor of the NFL. That is like the cardinals and brewers revoking the liquor license at their own ballparks. Douchenozzle!
This is all for now my beloved worshippers. Expect the frequency of my postings to rise over the next few weeks or so. But until then you fucking peons, remember; beware of the thin lipped woman!
