Phelps is no Lowballs

It’s painfully obvious that Michael Phelps has a giant set of brass balls (8 gold medals and 7 world records make it hard to contest that fact), but his balls must be extremely swollen what with all the people hanging off his nut-sack at the moment.  Yeah yeah, The kid just destroyed the best of the best in the world of swimming and has been crowned as the greatest Olympian of all time.  I beg to differ seeing that the greatest Olympians of all time(a really really long time) still live on Mt. Olympus and their names are Zeus, Aries, and the rest of the Greek Gods, but that’s semantics.  The bright spots of Phelps amazing feat are far-reaching; reminding the world that, in an Olympics held in Beijing, the Chinese Olympians were expected to dominate the medal count as a precursor to their eventually world wide domination of the human populace….HOWEVER, that was not the case for the Slant-eyed commie-pinko bastards.  Although they do have a lead in the gold medal count, the US still has the lead in the overall medal count; thanks in part to Michael Phelps taking a gigantic dump(seriously, 12,000 calories) on China and the rest of the world as a way to show our ongoing superiority in all things related to international relations (minus the whole Iraq and Vietnam thing). 

 

            Lets look past the Michael Phelps and all his magnificent achievements and delve into the fact that this dude makes Radio look like a Mensa member.

 

Bob Costas:  “How do you feel now that it is all over, and you won the 8 Medals?”

Phelps:  “I can’t even describe it, it’s beyond words”

Costas:  “After you won the first two medals, did you have a sense that you could do this?”

Phelps:  “I mean, it was really cool and awesome, but at the time I was just happy to have done well”

Costas:  “After the Lesak (rhymes with BSAC) touched the wall, did you think you were destined for this”

Phelps:  “It was really cool after he got there and I thought that was really awesome and I can’t even describe it in words”

Costas:  “When you finished your 7^th race and touched the wall, how did you feel with the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not you had won?”

Phelps:  “It was really crazy, like I when I touched I thought I won, but it was close, it was awesome though”

 

            Wow, talk about an impressive vocabulary and elocution.   He’s like F. Scott Fitzgerald but only fucking retarded.  It may be possible that Phelps’ mental development was stunted at age 11 when he started training for a career in aquatic endeavors.  I’m not hating on Phelps the Olympian, I’m dishing out some haterade on Phelps the recently appointed savior of the United States, Ambassador to Sudan, Jesus, etc…The tales are abound regarding his douchebagesque behavior. 

 

According to various accounts, he majored in Pussy while training at Michigan, lets not forget he did not go to school there, he just trained with the team, hence making his major seem applicable; except for the fact that he went to Michigan to major in Pussy.  Majoring in Pussle at (fuck)Michigan is like majoring in Abortion Administration at Notre Dame, that is to say that there is no way you will do well in your desired scholastic endeavors.  Unless he is trying to score with some Arab or Chinese P, your going to be hard-pressed to find those girls that are twice as dumb thus twice as likely to get down homeboy.  But then again you’re an idiot and your also from Baltimore, and as anyone with any sense knows, the only good thing to come out of there is “The Wire”.

 

So with all these people hanging off his balls, there are already people that say that he is a role model.  Role Model?  I don’t think so.  Are his accomplishments something that young burgeoning swimmers should strive for?  Absolutely.  But role model?  Hell no, fuck no.  With the age of instant communication and 24 hour news hovering over us, America tends to give individuals massive amounts of praise for their athletic accomplishments, which is to be expected and admired, yet they also tend to show that individual in a light as to make them the second coming of the Messiah.  Does he want to be a role model?  I don’t know, probably not, he seems more interested in DUI’s and Vag than promoting humanitarian efforts or inventing a flying car.  Praise him for his accomplishments then as Jon Stewart pointed out, let him “swim up the Yangtze River, lay his eggs, and die, it’s life”.

 

Barkely was not a role model, neither is Phelps…

Enough with the Favruh

Greetings and Salutations assholes!  As you may or may not have heard Brett Favre, he of the vicodin and oxycotin persuasion, the backyard football playing, wrangler jean poster boy, and aficionado of the crusty splooge beard, has left the frozen tundra of lambeau field for the bright lights of Broadway.  Since you are reading this, I am going to assume that you like I, pour though the vast blogosphere and take in the plethora of information garnered by those great writers and editors.  And because you do, you are aware that the Favre coverage is FREAKIN REDICULOUS!  NFL training camp has begun, did you know that?  If you did it is only because you stumbled across the first episode of HBO’s Hardknocks while trying to catch up on Generation Kill (‘Merica, fuck ya).  To be honest, I am much more interested in what Mark Chmura is up to these days.  I assume he is working as a DJ at prom’s and after parties.  I would much rather follow him along for a day, watching him oogle and google at 17 year olds, only to eventually hear a voice emanating from a kitchen counter…

 

(Enters room) “Have a seat over there.  What was your plan here today?   You’re naked, there’s a 17 year old girl, you’re chasing a cat around and you’ve got Cool Whip and you want this girl to do some sex act with the cat and then you’ll have sex with her. Is that accurate?  I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we are doing a story about computer predators/adults who try to meet teens online for sex.  You are free to go.”

 

Seriously, now that would be far more entertaining than watching Rachel Nichols vampire ass felicitate and follow Brett all across America as the world waits with (breathless) anticipation.  Honestly I would much rather have preferred Favre to go to the Vikings, only because in my hopeless immature imagination, I can see Deanna Favre getting down with Fred Smoot and his “tweener” ladyfriend for some Hanky Panky with a double sided love stick.  However, I digress into a (favre-less) discussion about the upcoming football season….

 

So how do you think the Jets will do with er, uh, just kidding, fuck the jets.  You know who has a hot wife?  The Rog…Roger Goodell, he is married to the vivacious Jane Skinner of FoxNews, I will not hold that against her, although I would like to hold something else against her.  But other than that, Roger Goodell is acting like Hitler in the 1930’s and building up his forces and influence for the eventual blitzkrieg that will eventually overtake the entire NFL, if not the world.  The Rog has enacted a new “fan conduct policy”.  Excuse me if I am mistaken, but isn’t it a written rule that all NFL fans must not adhere to any conduct that would be mistaken for civilized?  What the fuck is he trying to do?  No drunkards?  Seriously, how do you expect the Billion dollar enterprise that is the NFL to flourish if your new rules put the ole’ kibosh on largest sponsor of the NFL.  That is like the cardinals and brewers revoking the liquor license at their own ballparks.  Douchenozzle!

 

 

 

This is all for now my beloved worshippers.  Expect the frequency of my postings to rise over the next few weeks or so.  But until then you fucking peons, remember; beware of the thin lipped woman!