4th of July

Greetings Cocksmokers!  Welcome to the first addition of B-SAC Banter…A place where I, B-Sac, henceforth referred to only as Sac (like P. Diddy dropping the P) and fantastic derivatives of Sac i.e. Sactorious, will give you my insights on various matters of the irrelevant nature. Although my writing is often mistaken for that of the Dickensian school, it is mixed with ostentatious wording, grandiose theories, and an extremely crude, usually offensive personal touch that is designed to make everyone think, smile, swear, and weep all at once. 

 

To all of you on your high moral horse:  Come off it and eat a dick!

 

This weeks entry:

 

AMERICA, FUCK YEA!!

 

As many of you may know tomorrow is the 4^th of July, a day in which we, as Americans, celebrate the adoption of the Declaration of Independence some two hundred and I don’t fucking know how many years ago in 1776 (I cheated my way through math).  The 4^th is day born out of national hubris in the wake of the creation of one of the most important documents in the relatively short history of the United States; written and signed by some pretty smart fellows (see Jefferson, Adams, and Herbie Hancock) to signify our newfound freedom and place in the vastly emerging post-industrialized world (No Taxation w/o representation!).  Throughout the subsequent years, this day has transitioned from a day of remembrance and gratefulness to a day that demonstrates our place as the lone hegemonic power in the world.  And I have to tell, it is fucking tits. 

Sure, the founders of this great country may have universities and cities named after them, bridges in their memory, and their portraits plastered all over our currency, which these days is about as useful as an aids patient in the blood mobile.  Don’t get me wrong, I love history, I enjoy going to old forts, battlefields, museums, and all that other shit.  Ever been down south?  That place is awesome, they may have lost the war, but by-golly, they got some cool shit!  Have you ever been to a plantation?  Those things are freaking sweet! I would love to own one of those things, who wouldn’t?  I mean who besides black people….I read Huck Finn, I understand their aversion to such places.  But just think, if all those crazy right-wingers are right and Osama Barak does enslave the white race after winning the White House, blacks and plantations might make a come back….am I right? However, I digress…..

The 4^th of July is easily one of my top 5 favorite days of the year.  It encompasses all that it means to be American….which means us beating up the Japanese.  Joey Chestnut made it rain on the reigning king of competitive eating.  It reminds me of the aforementioned USA beating the reigning champion British in something they weren’t supposed to win, the Revolutionary War. Getting back to the US dominating, especially the Japanese, the 4^th also involves explosions on the grand scale (see Nagasaki and Hiroshima)…what too soon? Ahh, yet another example of American superiority is fireworks, lots and lots of fireworks, black cats, roman candles, screaming mimis, lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, crap flappers, whistling bungholes, spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, and whistling kitty chasers….although the fireworks are Chinese I’m pretty sure.   The other four, in no particular order are:

 1. Opening Day Baseball: I skipped class the last three years to go to opening day…why you may ask?  Because opening day is far more than just any baseball game, I can go watch the Reds lose any old day, but opening day is like finally getting to blow your load all over some bitch’s titties after a winter long courtship with the cold, celibate cocktease that is Winter.  Sure she gave you glimpses of hope and joy (see Playoffs, NCAA basketball) leading you to think you might score, only to be blue ball you when it comes down to business time.  Opening day is the climax of a long anticipated build up stemming from the need for fun, sun, and bitches which usually leads to an all out explosion of debauchery on that fine day in late March which also happens to coincided with the NCAA Basketball Championship which means double the fun, drinking and partying from dawn until dawn.  It also means that girls on college campuses throughout the winning Union states (damn you South w/ your year round hot girls) will begin to reappear out of thin air wearing something other than a ski parka, sweat pants and ugg boots, fuck I hate ugg boots.  But most of all, I love baseball.

2. My birthday:  everyone loves their own birthday, you feel important, people that you don’t like make it seem like they like you, thus making you important on that day.  Your friends however, they don’t give a shit about your birthday, and that is good.  I don’t care about your birthday; you don’t care about mine that is why we get along.  We get along because we have things in common, like sports, booze, hookers etc…

3.  The Holiday Season:  This is comprised of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and to a less extent New Years.  Who doesn’t like thanksgiving?  Ill tell you who, communists and douche bags.  Anyone that does not like a day filled with food, food, football, booze, and a mixture of the aforementioned is a pillow biting fairy.  Obviously we all love Christmas, I will save my love for Santa for a later post.  New Years used to be fun, when I was in high school; now, it’s more of a burden.  Driving home on New Years is like the hardest level on frogger.

4.  The NFL draft:  anyone who knows me (for that I am deeply sorry) knows that I love me some NFL draft.  Why?  I have no idea, I think it stems from the idea that hope springs eternal in the form of that day in late April where all your dreams from last year that were shattered can be fulfilled next year.  I love sitting on my ass, previously at noon, now at 3 pm, fuck you Roger Godell.  That is three more hours of listening to Emmitt Smith make Jerry’s kids sound like Rhodes scholars, 3 more hours of Berman being a pretentious asshole, and three more hours of Mel Kiper’s hair.  I fancy myself an amateur expert regarding the draft.  The first round?  Eh, who didn’t know that Al Davis was going to draft a black workhorse?  Who didn’t know that the Dolphins would take Jake Long?  No offense or running game (see 2006 Browns), you draft a fucking left tackle.  I love the late rounds, where I fancy myself the only person who knows that Beau Bell is a steal in the 4^th round.  I say to myself, he could have gone in the 2^nd, what the fuck?  Hell yes! 

The NFL draft is a tease for what is to come later in the year.  What is that you say?  The 4^th of July means far more than just patriotism, explosions, and mullet sightings.  It means that football is right around the corner.  FUCK and YES!  Were you bored last weekend?  And the weekend prior?  Yea me too.  Next weekend and the following and so on will still be boring, but soon training camp begins, football talk begins, and I no longer will be bored at work.  Football will be in the air, you will begin to formulate your fantasy draft list, scrupulously going over the details of each player 1-500, trying to find sleepers and busts as you go.  Then finally, on that glorious day in September football begins both college and professional.  And that is good.  Football season is glorious.  Yea yea yea, Ohio State is on, so are the Browns, which is awesome, ill discuss them in the weeks to come.  But let me touch on the real reason I love football season.  It’s partly because Saturday and Sunday is lonely w/o it, but mostly because of one thing.  Have you ever found yourself glued to the TV at 1 am on a Saturday night, whether at some random house party or at home, watching in horror as Hawaii is beating San Jose St. by a score of 35-28? A game in which Hawaii is favored by 28, with the over-under being 76, a game in which you rolled over your winnings from the 3 team parlay earlier that day which  paid out $1100, only to have the rainbow fucking warriors and their superior offense sputter against some fucking team of blowhard chach dicks?  God knows I have, and many of the people I associate with have too.  That’s right, I am talking about gambling season, a season that starts with the first college football game and ends with the Super Bowl, the mecca of gambling (never, ever, gamble on basketball, you will be fucked royal by foul shots, fluke shots, and shitty refereeing).

The 4^th is a great time, it’s a fun time, and it is a time that leads to greater expectations for the fall.  Have fun, be safe, and remember beware of the thin-lipped woman.